The story goes a little bit like this...
Being a foreigner living in Los Angles and growing up in a very conservative family never seemed to fit right with who I wanted to be. But this is not about my life growing up, this is not about the hardships i had to overcome to get me where I'm at, but mostly is about a personal discovery, which for some time I have been wanted to share.
I guess you could say everything started in my third year of high school. I had just broken up with my girlfriend at the time and I was trying something new. I have never been much of an athlete but the one physical thing Im good at is swimming. So I gave it a shot. I joined the swim team and it was here where everything changed. During this year I felt liberated as if for the first time I belonged to something bigger the myself. As if for the first time I knew who I was.
It was here when I felt curious about the same sex. never in my life did I ever think that maybe I was gay and I just wasn't ready to face it. I started to notice myself checking out guys a little more each day and playing games in my mind about who was cutter. I must admit it was both thrilling and disappointing to notice myself doing this. I feared for what other people might think. I feared for the things my parents would say. I guess I just feared because I really didn't know what was going on inside me.
The years passed and living alone after high school and attending college made me mature a little bit more. I discovered new talents and new horizons. But something was still missing. At this point I fantazized about men each day and girls became a thing of the past. But still I remained in the closet a bit more. I just wasn't ready.
I turned 21 in the winter and one of my cousins turned 25 in the summer of that year and we were going to celebrate at a club for the very first time all of us together. What I didn't know was that we were attending a very famous gay club among the community. Finally the day came and my cousins told me where we were going and my heart sank. I knew that a little alcohol and a guy's cute smile would mean some kind of trouble for myself.
I must admit I was shocked to see so many men with the same sexual preference gathered together and openly. My eyes gazed at the many faces I would eventually meet and to be honest I caught myself staring at two or more during the night. But my family and friends didn't know about me. I myself did not want to face the gay in me. So I acted cool, I remained a little introverted throughout the night until the shots of tequila affected my judgement...
I disappeared away from my friends and family for some time and suddenly in the middle of the dark and flashing lights and the music something inside me took over and for the first time in my life I dared to be myself despite anything that ever held me back.
I noticed him in the middle of the dance floor. Tall, dark and handsome, or at least he seemed to be, all this and more, definitely older, way older, but with a charm that hypnotized me and pulled me to him. there in the middle of the dance floor we moved to the same rhythm, our bodies moved in unison and as we got closer to each other his lips met mine...
I woke up the next morning nauseous, with a headache and with a terrible burden I couldn't seem to shake off no matter how hard I tried. I had done it! I had actually went ahead and kissed a guy for the first time in my life! What scared me was it felt great, it felt natural and utterly simple. I liked it.
I remember my face in the mirror something that night had changed me for ever. I pondered over the idea of confessing the nights account to someone... I mean it was at the tip of my tongue waiting to spill over. My cousin was up first and to this day I still remember the nervous sound of my voice as I told him what happened. He listened atentively with a smile on his face growing only bigger by the minute.
On a side note he is seven years older than me and to that day he was the only open gay member of the family so I felt like he would be the one who would be most understanding and supportive and Im glad to say that to this day he remains just like that. Then my other cousin found out and she seemed in doubt. "Me" her cousin gay? She seemed to be a little shocked because she knew everything about me and I had never kept anything from her except that.
stay tuned this ride isn't over yet.
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