Being a 23 year old gay male in Los Angeles has its advantages and disadvantages. On the up side, being young means “fresh meat” wherever I go. I see guys look at me whenever I go out and it feels great. It is nice to feel wanted once in a while after feeling like the ugly ducky for so long. On the down side, it means that no one past the age of 25 takes me seriously. I mean even though I’m young, responsible have a car, a job and have my goals and mind set does not necessarily put me at par with the guys I come to like.
For some reason or another I seem to only meet guys who happen to be older than me. At first I thought that if I met someone older it would mean meeting someone mature and with similar life goals such as my own. Time and again I have been proven wrong. An older man does not necessarily have his life set. I have encountered everything from middle age crisis men, to “I still live at home.” 29 year olds. To “I want all the benefits of a relationship except for the title.” Kind of person. Frankly the more I think of it the more tired I feel towards trying to make it work.
Also it is important to mention the insecurities that come reflected by the age difference. Sometimes it has been me the one who feels threatened by a guy’s age. I have met a few individuals who are living the life I want to have and a little green monster seems to only grow more when this happens. Older men have experienced more. Weather it is traveling across the world, have a great job and way better economic stability to simply having it all and feel comfortable with what they have and never moving forward. And then there has been plenty of times when it’s not me but them who seem to have bigger issues. Middle age crisis, depression, immaturity and at some points addictions of some sort. If you think older men have less baggage... think again. Many times I have been told “ you are young you could have anyone you want. Why me?”
I have dated for quite some time. Regrettably for the past two years I became a serial dater. What can I say? I’m social, I’m young and I’m fun. If meeting guys and going out a couple of times makes me a whore, so be it. I’ll wear the tittle proudly. But since Roger all I seemed to do was to set my hopes high on every guy I met and in the end I would only feel more alone than before. The need for attention and affection only dragged me deeply into a dark hole. Along this road a few great guys have come my way but in the end my heart just takes another beating. Now something has changed... I feel tired, done, expired. I feel lazy into putting an effort to get to know someone and date. It has cost me both time and money that I will never get back. I am no more happy than I was three years ago, only more experienced.
So what does it mean to be young in the eyes of other gay men? It means that you can be a whore and no one can say anything about it because you are young and you are allowed to experience and have fun. I hate it when guys say this to me because if I wanted to be a real slut I would. But at the time I wanted something steady, something I missed, something that would fill me up and make me happy. Perhaps it is just time to focus on what I want out of life rather than what I want in a guy.
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