Chonchito...

First of all let me start by apologizing to those who read whatever nonsense I decide to type.  You see Im the kind of person who starts really passionate about a project and then loses interest quickly and abandons it for quite sometime before a rush of fresh inspiration takes over once more. I guess thats why I suck at relationships.  Pun intended.

You see i have been busy with work, life and family.  I started a new adventure and I dare say, I might have found the right path as far a career goes. I finally have the time and the finances to have some kind of excitement. 

But forget about that and let me tell you what has happened over the course of this past weekend. this will be one of the many brief analysis yet to come as I try to understand my crazy gay world. 

I was trying to get to know someone.  like always, I found him attractive and charming in the beginning.  Even cute for someone who battles with weight issues. But as the time went by I discovered that there is no depth to this character, no substance to keep luring me into his arms and stay there eternally. I find myself using the same excuses other guys used on me to avoid any further contact and in a silly manner to avoid any type of confrontation or retaliation. What sucks is he doesn’t know. I haven't contacted him and surely he hasn’t contacted me either and I can only hope it stays that way. 

Im telling you this because this past weekend it was one of my friends birthday and we sure partied like we should for a birthday.  On friday we went to the most famous gay club for latino men here in LA.  Circus.  The night was young and freezing cold but regardless the freaks wanted to celebrate. So I picked up my friend and left to his other friends house who lives literally two blocks away from the club. We pre gamed with some ice cold jack and coke and some puffs of the best weed and left. I knew throughout the night I was bound to see familiar faces, some who I wish I never met. 

As we danced to the lamest top 40 fully intoxicated I saw who I had been talking to dancing frantically with another guy I happen to know. I remained calm, adamant as to my decision.  I didn’t care seeing him with someone else. No jealousy, no anger, deception…. nothing. All feelings lifted and gone.  But this was the perfect excuse to let go and not feel completely guilty for ending something that never truly started. 

I know he saw me.  later on he was but two feet away from me and I didn’t even acknowledge him. As the night progressed I saw guys notice me for the first time in a while I felt empowered, wanted, desired and most importantly and unexpectedly overconfident.  Even my ex approached me and took away my hat and danced in front of me, teasing me in a way I found rather desperate and childish. He whispered in my ear “you look really cute” as he placed my obey hat back in place. I instantly remembered our last encounter and his last comment to me “oh you gained weight. te vez chonchito.” Fuck that! so I fired away wit a quick response this time around. I placed my hand on his waist and said “thank you nice to see you. I see you put in some weight.”  I smiled and left.

it is a vicious cycle this place. The never ending parties. The cold drinks in plastic cups.  The carefully put outfits everyone comes up with.  It is a game of superficial competition in which I seem to have bent rules. 

The thing I cant seem to get out of my head is that my friends friend seems to still like me in a way.  A backstory to this is we fooled around.  I crushed on him but he wanted nothing more but a good time and I wanted more.  So of course it hurt like a bitch.  I still find him attractive but I rather keep it cool.  talk to him as my bud because he helped me a lot to overcome my naive ways and breakthrough in my job interviews.  Overcome shyness and feel more confident about myself. But the little smiles, the wondering eyes and the occasional love tap to my butt still manage to get the best of me and my knees feel weak. 

I don’t know what the future holds in stock for me. All I know is I feel ready for whats coming, its something good. As for my gay world…? It will always remain the plastic ken doll world I play in but never be part of.