we are mean girls, we are bitches...

Now before you judge me and confirm what I had mentioned before, how I leave projects without ever coming back to them, let me tell you in summary what I have been up to these few months. 

I have been growing professionally to some what the best I can, given the time I have been given.  I have been trying to juggle between a career, school and social life with the smallest successful outcome.  I feel like a circus freak trying to balance over crocodile infested waters across a thin line that seems to stretch closer to the pond as I walk further away from its tied ends, while I balance a chainsaw on the tip of my nose.  However during this time I have experienced things that brought me closer to my recent epiphany.  Not quite the epiphany I would like to be blessed with, but a revelation regarding my life none the less. 

You see it is the beginning of summer and I feel, more than ever, a sense of failure in many areas of my life, perhaps the most important of all during this sensitive years of youth.  As I have stated before, regretfully, I live in a world where we prioritize looks, a world in which I feel pressured to do better and look better than the guy next to me sipping on a watermelon martini, wearing nothing but brand named skimpy clothes that show off the perfectly defined musculature he so proudly exposes.  

So as I drove home from work today I realized the kind of person I have been letting this world mold me into.  For years I have been fighting against the current trying to find a place where I would feel accepted.  For years I have been ripping the labels people have given me off my skin and throwing them behind me as I push forward.  I question the very ethics of human existence and concluded that everyone just wants to belong, to be loved and ultimately realize that we are part of something bigger than ourselves.

Over time I have let myself be influenced by the most random group of people in order to feel like one of the “crew”  I have jeopardized certain values I considered sacred.  I have let myself to once more be labeled by a group of misfits such as myself.  Im referring to my small yet incredibly judgmental gay community of Los Angeles in which many of my friends are included.  As gay men, irrationally, we pride on this sense of toughness and smart mouths with which we feel empowered to slice and dice at someones self esteem until there is nothing left.  

You could say we embodied the sense of being plastic to the fullest extent.  We are mean girls, we are bitches.  I have caught myself insulting and making hurtful remarks to my friends and family thinking this behavior is acceptable and somehow comical.  Somebody said once “be the change you want to see in the world”  I wake up every day thinking I would make a difference somehow and yet I fail at each and every attempt because I have let negativity influence the way I behave. 

We receive what we send out into the world .  So today, I promise myself this; I won’t stop being who I am or try to change those things that are clearly out of my hands, however, I will challenge myself into being a more positive force with those close to me.  I promise to stop the hate because if I love myself the way I say I do then I should have no need to make others feel inferior.  My actions and my life should reflect that precisely and I sure as hell do not need anyone to tell me who I am or what I should be.  As a gay person I think we all know what that feels like and yet it seems to be the only way we know how to socialize amongst our small group. 

I dream big.  I believe in ten impossible things before breakfast and I want to love myself the way I say I do and I want to believe it. Perhaps it is only then when my life will change.  I guess you could say I’m finally back on the path to enlightenment. 

Be the change you want to see in the world.