we are mean girls, we are bitches...

Now before you judge me and confirm what I had mentioned before, how I leave projects without ever coming back to them, let me tell you in summary what I have been up to these few months. 

I have been growing professionally to some what the best I can, given the time I have been given.  I have been trying to juggle between a career, school and social life with the smallest successful outcome.  I feel like a circus freak trying to balance over crocodile infested waters across a thin line that seems to stretch closer to the pond as I walk further away from its tied ends, while I balance a chainsaw on the tip of my nose.  However during this time I have experienced things that brought me closer to my recent epiphany.  Not quite the epiphany I would like to be blessed with, but a revelation regarding my life none the less. 

You see it is the beginning of summer and I feel, more than ever, a sense of failure in many areas of my life, perhaps the most important of all during this sensitive years of youth.  As I have stated before, regretfully, I live in a world where we prioritize looks, a world in which I feel pressured to do better and look better than the guy next to me sipping on a watermelon martini, wearing nothing but brand named skimpy clothes that show off the perfectly defined musculature he so proudly exposes.  

So as I drove home from work today I realized the kind of person I have been letting this world mold me into.  For years I have been fighting against the current trying to find a place where I would feel accepted.  For years I have been ripping the labels people have given me off my skin and throwing them behind me as I push forward.  I question the very ethics of human existence and concluded that everyone just wants to belong, to be loved and ultimately realize that we are part of something bigger than ourselves.

Over time I have let myself be influenced by the most random group of people in order to feel like one of the “crew”  I have jeopardized certain values I considered sacred.  I have let myself to once more be labeled by a group of misfits such as myself.  Im referring to my small yet incredibly judgmental gay community of Los Angeles in which many of my friends are included.  As gay men, irrationally, we pride on this sense of toughness and smart mouths with which we feel empowered to slice and dice at someones self esteem until there is nothing left.  

You could say we embodied the sense of being plastic to the fullest extent.  We are mean girls, we are bitches.  I have caught myself insulting and making hurtful remarks to my friends and family thinking this behavior is acceptable and somehow comical.  Somebody said once “be the change you want to see in the world”  I wake up every day thinking I would make a difference somehow and yet I fail at each and every attempt because I have let negativity influence the way I behave. 

We receive what we send out into the world .  So today, I promise myself this; I won’t stop being who I am or try to change those things that are clearly out of my hands, however, I will challenge myself into being a more positive force with those close to me.  I promise to stop the hate because if I love myself the way I say I do then I should have no need to make others feel inferior.  My actions and my life should reflect that precisely and I sure as hell do not need anyone to tell me who I am or what I should be.  As a gay person I think we all know what that feels like and yet it seems to be the only way we know how to socialize amongst our small group. 

I dream big.  I believe in ten impossible things before breakfast and I want to love myself the way I say I do and I want to believe it. Perhaps it is only then when my life will change.  I guess you could say I’m finally back on the path to enlightenment. 

Be the change you want to see in the world.

Chonchito...

First of all let me start by apologizing to those who read whatever nonsense I decide to type.  You see Im the kind of person who starts really passionate about a project and then loses interest quickly and abandons it for quite sometime before a rush of fresh inspiration takes over once more. I guess thats why I suck at relationships.  Pun intended.

You see i have been busy with work, life and family.  I started a new adventure and I dare say, I might have found the right path as far a career goes. I finally have the time and the finances to have some kind of excitement. 

But forget about that and let me tell you what has happened over the course of this past weekend. this will be one of the many brief analysis yet to come as I try to understand my crazy gay world. 

I was trying to get to know someone.  like always, I found him attractive and charming in the beginning.  Even cute for someone who battles with weight issues. But as the time went by I discovered that there is no depth to this character, no substance to keep luring me into his arms and stay there eternally. I find myself using the same excuses other guys used on me to avoid any further contact and in a silly manner to avoid any type of confrontation or retaliation. What sucks is he doesn’t know. I haven't contacted him and surely he hasn’t contacted me either and I can only hope it stays that way. 

Im telling you this because this past weekend it was one of my friends birthday and we sure partied like we should for a birthday.  On friday we went to the most famous gay club for latino men here in LA.  Circus.  The night was young and freezing cold but regardless the freaks wanted to celebrate. So I picked up my friend and left to his other friends house who lives literally two blocks away from the club. We pre gamed with some ice cold jack and coke and some puffs of the best weed and left. I knew throughout the night I was bound to see familiar faces, some who I wish I never met. 

As we danced to the lamest top 40 fully intoxicated I saw who I had been talking to dancing frantically with another guy I happen to know. I remained calm, adamant as to my decision.  I didn’t care seeing him with someone else. No jealousy, no anger, deception…. nothing. All feelings lifted and gone.  But this was the perfect excuse to let go and not feel completely guilty for ending something that never truly started. 

I know he saw me.  later on he was but two feet away from me and I didn’t even acknowledge him. As the night progressed I saw guys notice me for the first time in a while I felt empowered, wanted, desired and most importantly and unexpectedly overconfident.  Even my ex approached me and took away my hat and danced in front of me, teasing me in a way I found rather desperate and childish. He whispered in my ear “you look really cute” as he placed my obey hat back in place. I instantly remembered our last encounter and his last comment to me “oh you gained weight. te vez chonchito.” Fuck that! so I fired away wit a quick response this time around. I placed my hand on his waist and said “thank you nice to see you. I see you put in some weight.”  I smiled and left.

it is a vicious cycle this place. The never ending parties. The cold drinks in plastic cups.  The carefully put outfits everyone comes up with.  It is a game of superficial competition in which I seem to have bent rules. 

The thing I cant seem to get out of my head is that my friends friend seems to still like me in a way.  A backstory to this is we fooled around.  I crushed on him but he wanted nothing more but a good time and I wanted more.  So of course it hurt like a bitch.  I still find him attractive but I rather keep it cool.  talk to him as my bud because he helped me a lot to overcome my naive ways and breakthrough in my job interviews.  Overcome shyness and feel more confident about myself. But the little smiles, the wondering eyes and the occasional love tap to my butt still manage to get the best of me and my knees feel weak. 

I don’t know what the future holds in stock for me. All I know is I feel ready for whats coming, its something good. As for my gay world…? It will always remain the plastic ken doll world I play in but never be part of. 

Today I was asked why if I had written anything for this blogg and the truth is my mind seems to be flooded with ideas and experiences I have yet to set on paper.  Or in this case the 15.5 inch screen in front of me.  

Nothing has really changed over the past few months and yet everything seems so different.  I got the best news today I got the job I have worked so hard for.  It is a bit of a drive but it will teach me more and set me to a path I believe to be a sky rocket platform for my future. I have been unemployed for a month now and over these past four weeks I have thought about every aspect of my life.  My past, my present and my future.  I guess the phrase “No body knows what they have until they see it lost.” comes to mind.  I had taken my job for granted, my friends, and my family and over the past weeks I have re enforced all these bonds.  Except my job of course I quit for a very powerful reason and I don’t regret that.  That place was sucking the life out of me.

Love life looks less promising each day.  Today I openly stated I find myself in a place where Im comfortable yet I wish I had someone by my side to share it with and yet I seem to run away from the very idea of unity, compromise and emotional effort. I have been reminiscing about the past winter in which I last tried something serious with someone.  

I had met him in an app like some of my acquaintances.  We seemed to hit it off straight of the bat and we had our first date shortly after a couple of blue and orange colored messages. I found him both charming and intelligent, eloquent and even handsome.  Our winter affair lasted a total of ten weeks in which I seem to spiral into emotional chaos.  He had everything I tend to prioritize in a man and more.  At the end I just found the simplest excuse to run away because I wasn’t ready.  Today I ask myself what would have happened if I stayed.  The guy is engaged now and Im single once more.

I have been on dates since then and old flames come back to show some care but in the end I seem to run from something I have yet to understand.  Im enjoying the single life, it feels great to come and go and do whatever I please without having to take someones feelings or opinions into consideration.  But my nights are cold and my arms empty. I would like to turn this around and start fresh.  Revive the naiveness in me and go out into the world unafraid of being hurt, cheated or lied to.  Perhaps with the new change in my professional life it will also allow me to close this chapter and forget about the scars of the past. 

But until then keep the music playing because I like to dance and my cup full because I am drying out...

I Want Something Serious... But I Date A Porn Actor

It seems that even though I have learned lots over the last three years since I ventured into the plastic world of pretty gay boys, I still cannot overcome certain issues that rise along the way.

It has been a while since I wrote anything because in reality I had nothing good to talk about, not personal, nothing that happened to anyone I know, not even something in the media that would trigger my somewhat explosive temper and silver tongue.  Until two days ago. Ok so I talked about Grindr before and how in a way it changed my perspective of the gay community.  It was meant to be a dating site and now all that it seems to be there fore is for people who want to hook up.  I’ll admit it Im bored, sometimes lonely, sometimes I just like to tease here and there but I thought things would eventually turn out for the good.  Yeah I guess I’m still naive in that sense.

So I chatted with this one guy.  He sent me pictures and straight out asked me if I was the dating type or just the kind of guy that was there to hook up.  I told him it didn’t matter and that if a date was what he was looking for we could arrange something and keep it as pg13 as we could.  We exchanged numbers and the first thing that sent a red flag was that he was calling me “Pa” here and there. I fucking hate that. It sounds corny, cheesy and kind of desperate.  Cocky even.  So anyway he would tell me how handsome I am blah blah same old same I hear when someone is a player.

Things were odd, I noticed when I went back to my recent conversations that someone was using his picture a few days ago and hit me up asking for sex straight out.  Then I realized that both profiles were next to each other because of the distance.  I let it go and proceeded with more caution.  

  

I was at work and this guy had just said good morning, thats it.  Now the funny thing is that across my job someone kind of infamous works there.  A bilatin men model who currently is getting all the attention.  Yeah I gotta say that in fact some of the models are somewhat interesting to look at.  Many of us secretly hope that maybe one day we would get to be with a thuggish looking boy just like the ones in that page.  Back to the story... I see this guy walk into my job (the bilatin guy) with another guy who I immediately recognized.  Yeah... the one I was texting with.  I took their order, helped out my co-workers and not once did he smile at me or realized who I was.  we had never met which is fine, but at least say hi and be cool!

I texted him “at least say hi!”  I saw him look at his phone and put it away.  Now the bilatin guy was all up on him, touching his face, hugging him etc.  I walked to the back room and busted out laughing!  because here I have a guy that professes stability and who seems to want something serious and shows up on a date with a wanna be porn-star! wow!

latter he hit me up and I asked him about it.  I told him I had seen him. that he pretended not to know me... etc. He was giving me player answers and evasions.  And in the end he played the “lets be friends card”  Its said that some people don’t even have the balls to say “yeah fuck it I went on a date and I still talk to other guys” The good thing is that I realized I’m not so easy to fool anymore. 

"I'm Single and You Have to Be Fucking Amazing to Change That!"

As time passes I get a little less patient, more aggravated and mean when it comes to guys.   It’s sad to say that all the decent men of LA are either taken or possibly straight.  I have dated constantly in a search for something more meaningful and my stubborn sense of being tells me I’ll eventually find someone worth my time... I came across a line the other day “I’m single but you have to be fucking amazing to change that.”  Sadly we tend to place our standards too high.  In reality there is no prince charming, there is no perfect guy or  no one that will ever entirely fulfill our every desire. The perfect man will never come.  But there are some that come close and it is then that we take advantage of what we are given and work with their defects.  We have our own and a decent person will find time to work with them when that day comes.  “Oh I don’t think I can ever date a guy that doesn’t have  a car, or I don’t think I can date someone taller or shorter...” These standards that we put to ourselves only speak so much of our shallow self esteem.  They are a reflection of how biassed gay men can be. 

The truth is that as I get older (oh god I hate it) I realize that the gay community is more damaged than any other.  There isn’t a single guy out there who isn’t insecure, judgmental or simply dysfunctional when it comes to dating.  I have tried to put my time, effort and money to get to know someone who in the end is going to take everything I do for granted.  And I must admit I have been on the other side as well where guys take interest in me and are willing to cross seas just to get my attention and for one reason or another I find something wrong with them and say no.  But think about it how often do you hear a guy say “hey lets go out...!”  you get all excited get ready and re-arrange your time in order to make it on time... 15 minutes before he says “Oh Im sorry I fell asleep and now I don’t want to go.”  How often have you heard “oh I really like you.”  he texts you all the time and tells you how good you make him feel and then “I think we are better off as friends.”  And my personal favorite... everything is going fine and dandy and they drop the bomb. “I don’t think I’m ready to date because I still have feelings for my ex.”  I mean What The FUCK! then bro you shouldn’t be playing with peoples feelings.

Maybe it is just me and I tend to find the broken ones.  I thought being 23 and single I was doomed to be alone for the rest of my life but as I meet more broken ken dolls I’m starting to think I rather be alone than in bad company.  I rather be standing tall and strong rather than be put down by some trick.   They say good things come to those who wait.  Most of my friends are above 27 and are barely finding their other half and are lasting... Maybe not all is lost yet. 

I am often told on how mean I can be... I guess no one really likes to hear the truth for what it is.  I live in a world where lies are fed left and right.  Where illusions are what gets you a one night stand.  A world in which if you dare to be yourself you get chewed out in front of the crowd. 

Glove, Balls, Sweat... Lets Play!

I find myself thinking more than any other time.  I cannot sleep and I guess its time for me to write a little more even if hardly anyone comes across this blog. 

Like I have stated before the plastic world within the gay community is enticing and hard to resist.  But along this path of great pleasures and endless parties we also find hazardous encounters.  Remember when you dozed off during health class because you thought it was too boring until the professor had to sheepishly put a condom on a banana?  Or having to turn away from the screen in disgust as the whole class watched the video where a woman is giving birth and you see her tiny vagina being outstretched beyond recognition? No? Maybe that was just me...

Also as i have mentioned before gay men have proven to have higher levels of testosterone. Lets face it we are some horny mothafos and sometimes a cold shower can only take us so far.  The lack of a boyfriend, the endless nights alone, the natural biological process of sperm and testosterone production and the easy access to hook up sites and gay chats can only make it easier for someone to have random sexual encounters.  Forgot to mention the odd nights when someone drinks a little too much at the club and ends up having sex in a place you cannot recall the next morning with someone who's name you cannot remember.

Modern culture teaches us how to use sex to sell what ever it is.  Look at a t.v. add where the mom cooking hamburger helper is mighty hot.  Or the gillette razor commercial where the dude is only shaving his face but he has to be shirtless and sporting a six pack.  Oh damn that makes me wanna shave now.  (laughs)  But in reality we aren’t taught to take care of ourselves. Or we simply forget along the way.

I accept it I am a late bloomer to all this craziness and with it I was unaware of the dangers a simple sexual encounter might include.  Up until I came out I had no idea I should get tested every so often.  I still remember my first time at the doctors office getting tested.  The nurse was being a sweet heart asking me questions and basically distracting me because I told her I don’t like to get blood drawn out of me.  The needle felt like a hot pinch but what came next was totally unexpected; call it paranoia, call it being crazy or over reacting but as soon as the first drop of blood came out the smell of rust clawed at my nose and everything turned black after.  (laughs)  I woke up with a cotton ball soaked in alcohol near my nose and the sweet nurse holding my legs up sitting on a chair.  I had fainted. But at least I was done with my duty.  Ever since I became sexually active I check myself periodically, something I personally believe everyone should do but most forget to do so.  Disappointingly to society when we happen to mention the word that defines our sexual preference mostly immediately think of HIV and AIDS. 

Sex is good, sex feels great, having sex is normal, it is a biological need and a great way to relieve stress as well as the most beautiful expression of love.  But what about the consequences of being careless. Porn sites make sex even hotter by showing bareback scenes and little by little we being to forget the golden rule.  We begin to desensitize to the words we see and hear every day.  Without glove there aint no love baby...

Hiv, gonorea, clamidia and several other stds can easily be prevented if we only made the habit of carrying a rubber in our wallets.  Better be prepared than to face the awkward moment when neither of the two have the proper equipment to get dirty.  We need more than balls and sweat to play... So to all my gays out there whether you think you won’t need it or you think it will make you seem like a whore... learn to carry a motherfucking condom in your pocket.  Get checked and learn how to take care of you as well as your partner in crime.  With this being said get gloved and start playing...

Don't Keep Your Mouth Shut... Scream!

This time I’m gonna speak my mind about religion.  Since the dawn of time people have been more than obsessed with the belief of something more powerful than us.  It is in every human right to believe what ever it is someone wants to believe.  Across millennia religion has taken many forms and the gods morphed into several shapes, sizes and colors.  But one thing remains constant.  Religion, like the leaders of the same, oppresses human ideologies and the sense of self belonging. 

I was raised catholic until the age of seven when some strange people knocked at my front door.  they came in and talked to my mother who had been crying for the past days because of the fights she had with my father.  These people promised hope and redemption for all the sins my mother believed to have committed.  It was there and then that she became a Jehovah's witness and dragged me along with her to a downward spiral.

I remember genuinely being interested in the beliefs of this strange yet similar religion.  Stories of a mighty God and angels were my bedtime fairy tales and I remember admiring these creatures.  As I got more curious I researched about ancient cultures and found to my surprise there were many gods in the past.  That people believed in a world where the universe was ruled by not one but many deities.  

My believes started to change as I noticed certain things about this new religion I came to despise.  For instance me and my best friend at a time were separated because we were coming to puberty and we weren't allowed to play as much as we used to.  And when her mom and mine found out I had sillily asked her to be my girlfriend the play dates and permissions to go out became extinct. 

The years passed and my character developed more.  I consider myself a person with strong morals and beliefs and my sense of integrity and self esteem are diamond hard when someone tries to break me.  I became a teen and found myself lost like many others.  A normal process of the human psyche when we as people try to find ourselves and establish a sense of belonging to the community around us.  For me this development was shattered when both of my parents in their own lost ways switched religions and became modern day Christians.

I still remember the fucking empty words of the pastor in charge. “We are not a religion.  This is simply a way of living.”  I had never hear Jesus’ name used in vain so many times as the brief three years I had spent forced to be in church.  I remember being confused and eventually giving into whatever my parents and the pastor wanted me to do.  I was slowly becoming an empty shell for God’s will.

Something in me changed one day.  I grew tired of the constant fight for freedom of speech, and expression.  The so called non religious ways in which i seemed to be trapped in finally proved too much for me to simply take in and decided to rebel against my church and my own family.  Things like friends and music and movies and holidays that I once had were slowly dwindling and I had it.

I remember the face of both my mother and the pastor from church when they sat me down to talk to me about my absence from the previous services, my lack of interest in leading the youth group, my sudden change of attitude towards my fellow “friends” (the pastors daughter and a few others) and my stubborn ways of defying my mothers will when it came to going to church.  When I finally spoke their jaw fell to the floor.  

One, I had no interest in leading the youth group simply because I saw no point in wasting more time with people that were so egotistical and two faced stabbers who liked to talk shit behind my back.  Two, why would I want to go to church when praying to god was not gonna get me an A in all my classes and graduate with honors and place myself in one of the top universities of the country... And number three, why would they want to force me to give up my will when it’s all I had to define who I was? I did no drugs, I never brought trouble with me.  I was simply done with the bullshit.

My personal journey away from religious oppression has left me scared in ways I still cannot comprehend.  But one thing I’m sure of I will never follow another mans version of god. All this background story brings me to the main topic for this blog.  In recent years the gay community has been growing strong and more accepted but religious opposes are still a dangerous threat.  Perhaps the most noticeable were the declarations given by pope Benedict.  He referred to the gay community as undeveloped human beings with no sense of morality.  Further he alleged that gay marriage was a threat to the very institution of marriage itself.  I don’t know about you my readers but I personally find these accusations silly and quite empty.  As if made by an uneducated person whose power has gone way over his head.

"This is not a simple social convention, but rather the fundamental cell of every society. Consequently, policies which undermine the family threaten human dignity and the future of humanity itself," 

"The family unit is fundamental for the educational process and for the development both of individuals and states; hence there is a need for policies which promote the family and aid social cohesion and dialogue," 

Weather you believe in God, Jesus, Gaia, or supreme beings such as aliens or an atheist.  Never give up and never fall to the oppression of religious leaders.  Because once you do the only thing you lose is yourself.  The gay community does not need more followers, the world does not need more followers.  We need free minds who want to make a change.