Chonchito...

First of all let me start by apologizing to those who read whatever nonsense I decide to type.  You see Im the kind of person who starts really passionate about a project and then loses interest quickly and abandons it for quite sometime before a rush of fresh inspiration takes over once more. I guess thats why I suck at relationships.  Pun intended.

You see i have been busy with work, life and family.  I started a new adventure and I dare say, I might have found the right path as far a career goes. I finally have the time and the finances to have some kind of excitement. 

But forget about that and let me tell you what has happened over the course of this past weekend. this will be one of the many brief analysis yet to come as I try to understand my crazy gay world. 

I was trying to get to know someone.  like always, I found him attractive and charming in the beginning.  Even cute for someone who battles with weight issues. But as the time went by I discovered that there is no depth to this character, no substance to keep luring me into his arms and stay there eternally. I find myself using the same excuses other guys used on me to avoid any further contact and in a silly manner to avoid any type of confrontation or retaliation. What sucks is he doesn’t know. I haven't contacted him and surely he hasn’t contacted me either and I can only hope it stays that way. 

Im telling you this because this past weekend it was one of my friends birthday and we sure partied like we should for a birthday.  On friday we went to the most famous gay club for latino men here in LA.  Circus.  The night was young and freezing cold but regardless the freaks wanted to celebrate. So I picked up my friend and left to his other friends house who lives literally two blocks away from the club. We pre gamed with some ice cold jack and coke and some puffs of the best weed and left. I knew throughout the night I was bound to see familiar faces, some who I wish I never met. 

As we danced to the lamest top 40 fully intoxicated I saw who I had been talking to dancing frantically with another guy I happen to know. I remained calm, adamant as to my decision.  I didn’t care seeing him with someone else. No jealousy, no anger, deception…. nothing. All feelings lifted and gone.  But this was the perfect excuse to let go and not feel completely guilty for ending something that never truly started. 

I know he saw me.  later on he was but two feet away from me and I didn’t even acknowledge him. As the night progressed I saw guys notice me for the first time in a while I felt empowered, wanted, desired and most importantly and unexpectedly overconfident.  Even my ex approached me and took away my hat and danced in front of me, teasing me in a way I found rather desperate and childish. He whispered in my ear “you look really cute” as he placed my obey hat back in place. I instantly remembered our last encounter and his last comment to me “oh you gained weight. te vez chonchito.” Fuck that! so I fired away wit a quick response this time around. I placed my hand on his waist and said “thank you nice to see you. I see you put in some weight.”  I smiled and left.

it is a vicious cycle this place. The never ending parties. The cold drinks in plastic cups.  The carefully put outfits everyone comes up with.  It is a game of superficial competition in which I seem to have bent rules. 

The thing I cant seem to get out of my head is that my friends friend seems to still like me in a way.  A backstory to this is we fooled around.  I crushed on him but he wanted nothing more but a good time and I wanted more.  So of course it hurt like a bitch.  I still find him attractive but I rather keep it cool.  talk to him as my bud because he helped me a lot to overcome my naive ways and breakthrough in my job interviews.  Overcome shyness and feel more confident about myself. But the little smiles, the wondering eyes and the occasional love tap to my butt still manage to get the best of me and my knees feel weak. 

I don’t know what the future holds in stock for me. All I know is I feel ready for whats coming, its something good. As for my gay world…? It will always remain the plastic ken doll world I play in but never be part of. 

Today I was asked why if I had written anything for this blogg and the truth is my mind seems to be flooded with ideas and experiences I have yet to set on paper.  Or in this case the 15.5 inch screen in front of me.  

Nothing has really changed over the past few months and yet everything seems so different.  I got the best news today I got the job I have worked so hard for.  It is a bit of a drive but it will teach me more and set me to a path I believe to be a sky rocket platform for my future. I have been unemployed for a month now and over these past four weeks I have thought about every aspect of my life.  My past, my present and my future.  I guess the phrase “No body knows what they have until they see it lost.” comes to mind.  I had taken my job for granted, my friends, and my family and over the past weeks I have re enforced all these bonds.  Except my job of course I quit for a very powerful reason and I don’t regret that.  That place was sucking the life out of me.

Love life looks less promising each day.  Today I openly stated I find myself in a place where Im comfortable yet I wish I had someone by my side to share it with and yet I seem to run away from the very idea of unity, compromise and emotional effort. I have been reminiscing about the past winter in which I last tried something serious with someone.  

I had met him in an app like some of my acquaintances.  We seemed to hit it off straight of the bat and we had our first date shortly after a couple of blue and orange colored messages. I found him both charming and intelligent, eloquent and even handsome.  Our winter affair lasted a total of ten weeks in which I seem to spiral into emotional chaos.  He had everything I tend to prioritize in a man and more.  At the end I just found the simplest excuse to run away because I wasn’t ready.  Today I ask myself what would have happened if I stayed.  The guy is engaged now and Im single once more.

I have been on dates since then and old flames come back to show some care but in the end I seem to run from something I have yet to understand.  Im enjoying the single life, it feels great to come and go and do whatever I please without having to take someones feelings or opinions into consideration.  But my nights are cold and my arms empty. I would like to turn this around and start fresh.  Revive the naiveness in me and go out into the world unafraid of being hurt, cheated or lied to.  Perhaps with the new change in my professional life it will also allow me to close this chapter and forget about the scars of the past. 

But until then keep the music playing because I like to dance and my cup full because I am drying out...

I Want Something Serious... But I Date A Porn Actor

It seems that even though I have learned lots over the last three years since I ventured into the plastic world of pretty gay boys, I still cannot overcome certain issues that rise along the way.

It has been a while since I wrote anything because in reality I had nothing good to talk about, not personal, nothing that happened to anyone I know, not even something in the media that would trigger my somewhat explosive temper and silver tongue.  Until two days ago. Ok so I talked about Grindr before and how in a way it changed my perspective of the gay community.  It was meant to be a dating site and now all that it seems to be there fore is for people who want to hook up.  I’ll admit it Im bored, sometimes lonely, sometimes I just like to tease here and there but I thought things would eventually turn out for the good.  Yeah I guess I’m still naive in that sense.

So I chatted with this one guy.  He sent me pictures and straight out asked me if I was the dating type or just the kind of guy that was there to hook up.  I told him it didn’t matter and that if a date was what he was looking for we could arrange something and keep it as pg13 as we could.  We exchanged numbers and the first thing that sent a red flag was that he was calling me “Pa” here and there. I fucking hate that. It sounds corny, cheesy and kind of desperate.  Cocky even.  So anyway he would tell me how handsome I am blah blah same old same I hear when someone is a player.

Things were odd, I noticed when I went back to my recent conversations that someone was using his picture a few days ago and hit me up asking for sex straight out.  Then I realized that both profiles were next to each other because of the distance.  I let it go and proceeded with more caution.  

  

I was at work and this guy had just said good morning, thats it.  Now the funny thing is that across my job someone kind of infamous works there.  A bilatin men model who currently is getting all the attention.  Yeah I gotta say that in fact some of the models are somewhat interesting to look at.  Many of us secretly hope that maybe one day we would get to be with a thuggish looking boy just like the ones in that page.  Back to the story... I see this guy walk into my job (the bilatin guy) with another guy who I immediately recognized.  Yeah... the one I was texting with.  I took their order, helped out my co-workers and not once did he smile at me or realized who I was.  we had never met which is fine, but at least say hi and be cool!

I texted him “at least say hi!”  I saw him look at his phone and put it away.  Now the bilatin guy was all up on him, touching his face, hugging him etc.  I walked to the back room and busted out laughing!  because here I have a guy that professes stability and who seems to want something serious and shows up on a date with a wanna be porn-star! wow!

latter he hit me up and I asked him about it.  I told him I had seen him. that he pretended not to know me... etc. He was giving me player answers and evasions.  And in the end he played the “lets be friends card”  Its said that some people don’t even have the balls to say “yeah fuck it I went on a date and I still talk to other guys” The good thing is that I realized I’m not so easy to fool anymore.